How are you? Oh, ah, pretty
good after all that. – [LAUGHS]
– What a band. Good thing with the band.
– Oh, thank you. Thank you.
That’s– yeah. That was Cleto and the Cletones. May I ask a personal
question just to get started? Looks like it’s
gonna go anyway. What do you want? Does your wife ever
give you a massage? [LAUGHTER] Why is that funny? No, but it is creepy
that she wanted to see Guillermo’s massage. I was back there going, yuck. That is just– no, she doesn’t. Well, Guillermo
just told me his wife gives him a massage
once every two months, and I found that almost– You want to see it? Well, yeah, I want to see it
because I don’t believe it’s really happening, and I
don’t believe she’s putting her heart into it, either.
– Right. So you want to go
see some other guy get a massage from his wife? That’s just creepy right there. I want us to go
see another guy get a massage from his wife.
– Wow. OK.
JIMMY KIMMEL: A close friend. Well, now you invite me,
then it turns it around. I’m all in, baby. You know, you’re here on
“Bachelor Monday” on ABC. – Well, I was informed of that.
– Yeah. Yeah. This is– do you
watch “The Bachelor”? Oh, can’t get enough of it. JIMMY KIMMEL: [LAUGHS] Yeah. I just kept thinking, in a
room with 30 women initially, how do you even figure out
who’s who without badges? I mean, how did
they know who’s who? JIMMY KIMMEL: No idea. I don’t– no, I think I
watched the first season, and the only reality
TV I do is for gags. You know, I watch auto
shows where they build cars. And then a buddy of mine
is on “Naked and Afraid.” And the reason I
watched that is, I said, so is there ever a
point that his job is to blur out men sacs? That’s his job. So he says, it’s hour
after hour of this. [LAUGHTER] That’s how he does it? Well, yeah. There’s dials. And I’m the weirdo? Yeah. It’s older equipment. JIMMY KIMMEL: Mhm. OK. But he’s got to roll by,
and he sees just nut sack after nut sack after nut sack. And I asked him– I said, John, does it ever get
the point– you actually say, well, people get used
to everything, right? Do you ever go, well, yeah. Like, of all of the
nut sacs you’ve seen, do you finally
go, not a bad one? [LAUGHTER] From this angle, do
you ever go, yeah? And he goes, yeah, I do.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah. Yeah.
– And he’ll bring other guys in. Hey, guys, Paul, look at
the guy walking up the hill. Not bad, eh? They turnover equipment a lot. People don’t stay there,
because eventually– That sounds like a job
that when you get it, you go, oh, wow, this’ll be fun. I get to watch all the
naked people all the time. He says the most
impressive guys– if you can see it while
he’s walking away. And I said, I never thought
about it, but think about it. If you can see it where a guy– if he’s walking
away, you go, damn. Now that would be a
problem sitting down. I mean, that is– I don’t know what
you’d do with that. The ugliest stuff ever invented. I mean, I don’t know
if God must have been out of the room for that. I like to imagine a universe
in which there is another show, but on that show,
they’re blurring everything but the nut sac. – Yeah, see it is.
– Yeah. It’s on History Channel. It’s called “Scrotunnis.” JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, really? Yes, it’s very new. Have you ever done
a nude scene in a film or anything like that? No. I think it’s funny
about nude scenes because Nancy Travis,
who plays my wife on “Last Man Standing,” Thursday
on FOX, owned by ABC now, I think.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yes, yes. I don’t– We own everything now. Disney owns you
and everything. When women are in this business,
men don’t get it that much. They go, could you do
one with your top off? That’s our joke on our set.
Just do one. Like sometimes the writers say,
just do it once as written– JIMMY KIMMEL: Mhm.
Oh, I see. –with me. I go, no, if I do it as
written, then you’ll use it. JIMMY KIMMEL: Right. And they always say,
women, just do one. And she said she got asked
that a lot early in her career, where they don’t know when
to say no and all that. But they just say,
we’re not gonna use it. JIMMY KIMMEL: Mhm.
– Just one with your top off. I was thinking, did that
ever go back in history? Like David in Michelangelo,
the statue guy. Did Michelangelo ever get
there and go, hey, hey, Dave. It’s David, right? Could we do one
without the tunic? [LAUGHTER] You know, he’s going, well, no. Why? Why would you want that? We’re not gonna use it. Just, I want to get the
shape of the buttocks area, but it’s really
cold here, Michael. And they go, yeah,
I could see that. We’re gonna have
to lift this up. But it’s not like we’re
gonna use it and put it into a church or anything. – Or put it in Caesar’s Palace.
– Yeah. We’re not gonna put it in
Caesar’s Palace sitting there with the thing there. No. “Toy Story 4” got
two Oscar nominations– – Yes.
– –today. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Best animated
feature, best song. I saw you and
your little boy at the premiere right downstairs. JIMMY KIMMEL: That’s right, yes. It was the most exciting
movie because Hanks and I were close
buddies because of this. Real sad at the end. If you haven’t seen it, it’s
that, “To infinity and beyond.” But–
JIMMY KIMMEL: Great movie. Great movie. Oh, thank you. It was so great to reboot it,
and it got better and better. It’s sad, but too much of Keanu
Reeves, I got to be honest. JIMMY KIMMEL: I disagree. That Kaboom character
was pretty funny, right? JIMMY KIMMEL: Very funny.
Yes. And I didn’t like that– Oh, interesting. –’cause he was cooler
than Buzz at a point. And then the writers go,
yeah, but he’s only this big. And you go, oh, the
toy is this big. So we go see a premiere,
Keanu and I. We’re– Keanu.
We’re good buddies. JIMMY KIMMEL: What’d you go to? We went and saw that
premiere ’cause they wanted us to see it and I hadn’t seen it.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, I see. OK. So he shows up, and I
had just finished “Wick 3.” JIMMY KIMMEL: You
were watching it. Right.
– 700 murders in a minute. JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah, right.
– I’ve never seen more murders. He calls it– it’s a
ballet of violence. What does that mean? [LAUGHTER] But he’s sitting next
to me and he’s dressed– he looks just like Wick. I mean, he’s got this
beard, and this hair, and the same frickin’ clothes. Like this guy, so he’s right
here, a little creepy that he’s doing a toy movie, right? So I go into this whole thing. Hey, Keanu. Here’s what I would do
if I was in the movie. If I was one of
the villains, I’d say, hey, look, let’s keep
him out of enclosed spaces. Like wick, you don’t want
to get him in a factory, or god knows a bar, because
that’s where he shot like 7,000 people in a minute. What I would do is I’d wait
’til you come out of your house, ’cause you have a
little dog you walk. And I’d be across the
street with a big rifle, and I’d just pick you off
coming out of the house. He didn’t even blink. He goes, Wick would
know you were there. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. He’s the nicest guy in
the world, which I hate. There’s just nothing
not to like about him. Speaking of nicest
guys in the world, I know you do
something every year with a group of fellow
comics at the Laugh Factory where you guys feed the homeless
and people are less fortunate, people who need a
meal at the holidays. Did you do that this year?
– Do it every year. Jamie Masada– he’s
done this for 30 years. And it’s just great. Number one, it’s just
great to pal around with guys that used to
work at the Laugh Factory or still work there. You get people–
there’s hundreds. I’m there. My wife and I go with our
kids, and I’ve got some nephews and nieces that we all go. And I’m on the light meat. She’s on the dark meat. I want to get in
some politically. It just happens to be there’s
a part of the turkey– JIMMY KIMMEL: Yes. –that’s the
darker meat and it happened to be part of the
turkey with lighter meat. Anyway, but you get
people in there. At the end of the night,
you got to be on stage. You know, Jamie goes, go
up and do a few jokes. I got an apron on made out
of plastic with gloves, and I’m doing bits
to homeless people. So everything is annoying. I go, so I’m in and
out of my house– well, you don’t have a house. So I’m driving to work– well, I have a car. You don’t have a car or a work. But out of nowhere,
you get people– guy comes through the line. He comes through like
six times, and I go, you want some more turkey? Anything you want,
you could get. He goes, do you have an agent? Yeah, a State Farm? I make a bad joke. He goes, no, an agent, agent.
I go, yeah. Easy, pal. He goes, I got a script. Right away, he’s got a script. I said, this is
homeless, not jobless. Well, I guess it
is the same thing. He came by like
six times and now he’s, you’ve got to have some
connections in this business. JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, no. Across the street,
the Starbucks– I go there all the time,
and there’s a homeless guy. I was feeding him. And I keep going
in there, feed him. He shows up at Coldwater across
the hill at another Starbucks, comes out behind a dumpster. Same guy. This is hours later. How did you get over here? He’s uncomfortable, because
he remembers my face. I remember his face. He says, hey, I don’t
any more tomato basil. Don’t do that. [LAUGHTER] Another Starbucks I go
in, the guy’s going– he’s going ballistic in there. He’s going, F this, F that. It’s B word, C word. He’s screaming at the staff. And the girl behind
the desk, the manager– sir, you’ve got
to– you, F, F bomb, bomb, bomb, C, every word. He’s all like this, and I’m
trying to get by him like this. And he stops and he–
hey. Love your new show. F bomb, F bomb, F bomb. [LAUGHTER] Tim Allen is here. His show is called
“Last Man Standing.” [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] We’ll be right back.
All right. So–
– Wow. All I know is, that
dude’s gotta calm down. You’re gonna hurt yourself,
all that screaming. You ought to see this
crowd, people at home. They get lit up.
Woo. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] There’s a lot of enthusiasm. Scary guy. So speaking of enthusiasm,
and speaking of screaming, do you know about this guy? There’s a guy– his
name was Malcolm. Oh, the grunting kid. Yes, the grunting kid. Now, I think it’s best
to let Malcolm explain what he’s up to for himself. Here we go. I’m just making a video to
announce my new series I’m doing called “Tim Allen Grunt
Every Day,” where I make a video of myself doing a
Tim Allen grunt every day until Tim Allen recognizes me
and does a grunt of his own. OK. Now, you saw by the date,
that’s almost three years ago. This guy has made like
a thousand videos. Let’s look at some
of what he’s done. [GRUNTING] OK. Now– [APPLAUSE] Oh. I feel like– and obviously, you can
handle this any way you want. But I think– Yeah, with a security guy. I feel like there’s no end
to this for this poor bastard. And now that he’s
committed to it, this could go on to
his senior years. So would you be willing to give
him the grunting acknowledgment that he has been seeking? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] As long as they’re all
witnesses here when it goes bad, you end up in court.
JIMMY KIMMEL: OK. All right.
– [INAUDIBLE]. Mr. Kimmel, what were you
thinking when you brought this guy to Tim’s house? JIMMY KIMMEL: I’ll
say, I don’t know. We were just on the way to
watch Guillermo get a massage. Ugh. So what’s his name? His name’s Malcolm. So Malcolm, [GRUNTING]. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Malcolm, I hope
that it was everything you dreamed it would be. You can now get
on with your life. You can find a spouse,
maybe have a family. [LAUGHS] And who knows, maybe
even a job would be nice. That’d be good. Tim Allen, everybody. “Last Man Standing,” Thursday
nights, 8 o’clock on FOX. We’ll be right back
with Zach Woods. ANNOUNCER: Jimmy Kimmel
Live, weeknights at 11:35, 10:35 Central, on ABC.